Weekly Poetry Day IV

Today’s poem is sort of special because it is one of mine. It is the first I wrote without the "pressure" of having to come up with something (e.g. for a class). I drafted it in March, did some work on it in September, and made some pretty big changes this morning between 3 and 4—the creative area of my brain works best in the middle of the night. It still does not feel completely right, after all, I am just a beginner. Therefore, any feedback is more than welcome.

Alive

Blood drenches the ground
Blood from soldiers, wounded or dead.
It gushes out of their punctured bodies
Onto the grass.
Dripping from the blades.
The soil soaks it up like a sponge
And nurtures hungry flowers and trees.
They feed on
The lifeblood of men
And women.

Soon, an innocent girl will
Play on these meadows, pick those flowers;
Take them home to her mom
And put a smile on her face;
Won’t know they grew strong
From the blood of a man.
The father of the boy
She will marry some day.

—renew
March 13, September 04, December 31, MMVI

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3 thoughts on “Weekly Poetry Day IV

  1. Because he can! ;-) Counter question: Why does the American comment in German?
    Honestly, I do not know. Things like this just seem to "flow" better in English for me and I am speaking the language for some 13 years now.
    That aside, whaddaya thank? Any advice?

  2. Strip it down a bit, try to make it less “heavy” so that the effect of the image can come through without the melodrama of some of the language (“drenched”, “lifeblood”).

    Another way to put it is: make the first stanza more like the second in terms of language.

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